These past few weeks I have been thinking about how I value myself and how that has an impact in various aspects of my life. Recent conversations have made me realize that I put myself down a lot, I tend to place myself beneath others, and I stop myself from doing things I want to do because of it. I am not sure exactly how to make these feelings go away, but I am understanding more about what it is and hope to be more aware of it.

A lot of this has had consequences in my daily life as I try to learn new things or just stay on track with exercise and diet. It has been difficult for me to go to meetups for the things I enjoy doing because of feeling overwhelmed or intimidated, I back out at the last minute then make up some excuse. I love working with Ruby and learning how to be a better developer, but I want to have those connections that make me feel a part of that. Getting the nerve to apply at places and go through the interview process can also be a challenge. One of the biggest consequences is the impact on my learning process and at times not feeling worthy of the goals I want for myself.

I am learning that if I go home and accomplish a task in something I enjoy doing, even if it is really small, it is one step closer to feeling better that day. I had a setback earlier this week resulting from probably the most intimidating and overwhelming interview experience I’ve had. The day of, I didn’t feel so great, I was pretty down on myself, and I just wanted to go home and sleep. When I got home, I decided to do one thing: work on an html file and add some tags. It wasn’t completely straightforward at first, I had to learn a bit about how meta tags work and exactly which ones to include, but it was something I could finish fairly easily. From there, I decided to finally look at tests for a friend’s Rails app. I started really getting into what I was doing, and they were tests! It is not the most exciting thing but I found myself really interested in how to include Devise test helpers to get the tests running, learning about how to include fixtures, and fixing controllers to make it all pass. Before I realized it, it was time for bed, and I wasn’t thinking about how I felt bad or annoyed or worthless, I just thought about how else to improve the application. The focus is what I needed, it centered me, but most importantly it made me feel like I contributed something, that I used what I had in me to accomplish something good.

I am keeping busy the rest of the week in the hopes that this can be some sort of streak that can keep building from there. I think stopping and working on something I can make real progress on right away is key. From there I am not sure what the end result will be, but I think it is a good idea to keep showing myself how many great things I can do.

Written on October 8, 2015