Identity Stitching 2

22 Mar 2021

In the previous Identity Stitching post, I reflected on how knitting has impacted how I think about my gender identity. I thought a lot about masculinity and how there is this voice in my head telling me something is too femme, too queer. In many ways that voice was my father’s. I worry constantly about what he thinks about me. I’ve always seen him as an example of what a man should be and find myself hoping to be the man that he is. I wonder what he thinks of the colors I like, my mannerisms, my way of talking. Does he even care? I don’t know, I’m sincerely too afraid to ask.

Back in November, my mom called me and suggested I make a cowl for my dad as a Christmas present. I was a little apprehensive at first. Up until that point, I only ever made things for her. I am proud of my work, but for a while only really felt comfortable sharing my work with her, hoping she would in turn show my dad. It might be silly to think that I couldn’t bring myself to send him a picture, but to me knitting is this representation of creativity, queerness, and femininity that has really helped me find myself as an artist and as a person. It is really personal to me, and my fear was that he wouldn’t find value in it.

“Nada más quiere gris o blue,” my mom said.

“Great,” I thought.

I got to work shortly after. I decided to make a unique design: something with strong lines, something functional, something masculine. I came up with a neckwarmer, something that could keep him warm in the winter, but is quick and easy to slide over his head.

When the holiday arrived, I was nervous. I wasn’t sure if my dad would like the piece I made for him or if he would even use it. We were taking turns distributing gifts and it felt like forever until it was my turn. I handed him my gift, almost meekly as if the wrapping needed his approval. Once he opened it, it felt like he took an eternity to figure out what it was. “Oh no,” I thought. Eventually he tried it on, his eyes lit up and he said, “it’s so nice. Gracias, mijo”. I felt such a relief. Later, I realized he kept it on for the rest of the party.

About a month later, at a family party, my dad came up to me and told me that the neckwarmer is one the best gifts he has ever gotten. He told me how happy he was with it and how he takes it with him everywhere he goes. I felt overwhelmed by how validating it felt to hear this from one of the voices that in my head telling me what I was doing was weird or bad. It made me feel a little bit closer to him. I think as time goes on I’ll feel like I can be more true to my queer, creative self around my family and that it will be ok. I have further to go in terms of figuring myself out, but hopefully I can learn not to hide who I am as much.